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What is D/s And BDSM you ask? Well, first let's give the letters names.. D/s stands for Dominant & Submissive or Dominance & Submission while BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism. D/s is also referred to as Master or Mistress and slave, Top and Bottom, Dom and sub, God/Goddess and worshipper and so on. BDSM has also been known to be broken down further.. BD-DS-SM combined to make up the initials BDSM, but all in all they are just letters and words with little meaning to those who do not understand the concept, ideals and principles. Now let's define it. The D of D/s Domination: Mastery or supremacy over another or others. The exercise of such mastery or supremacy.
Dominant: Exercising the most influence or control. Most prominent, as in Dominate: To control, govern, or rule by superior authority or power. To exert a supreme, guiding influence on or over others. To enjoy a commanding and controlling position in; a relationship, business or community. To have or exert strong authority or mastery. To be situated in or occupy a position that is more elevated or decidedly superior to others.
Synonyms: dominant, predominant, preponderant, paramount, preeminent. These adjectives mean surpassing all others in power, influence, or position. As you can see from the definition, the controlling person within a D/s relationship takes on a great responsibility. Fortunately, we have evolved over time to enhance our relationships to a more caring and loving form of control. In days of old, control was exerted without moral obligation or kindness towards the one being controlled and resulted in a fear of retaliation. Where man ruled the house and the woman obeyed without a voice towards events and future choices. In days of Kings and Queens, the Queen only commanded respect because of her position with the King. Should she betray the King, or outright defy him, in many cases this was grounds for execution. A very permanent divorce with no alimony! So again we have evolved. Our relationships today function under the guidelines of safe, sane and consentualism. Being "Safe" is where both parties understand what they are doing and have taken all necessary precautions conducive to a non-life threatening environment. Being "Sane" is when both parties understand the realities of their relationship and are dedicated to its concept by personal desire and willful need. Consentualism is when both parties have negotiated the terms, boundaries and limitations of their relationship and both agree to that outcome and all their relationship will encumber. The strongest and most effective [force] in guaranteeing the long-term maintenance of..... power is not violence in all the forms deployed by the dominant to control the dominated, but consent in all the forms in which the dominated acquiesce in their own domination. Maurice Godelier (b. 1934) The S of D/s Submissive: Inclined or willing to submit. See synonyms at obedient. Obedient: Dutifully complying with the commands, orders, or instructions of one in authority. Synonyms: obedient, biddable, compliant, acquiescent, submissive, docile, amenable, tractable. These adjectives mean carrying or willing to carry out the orders, requests, or wishes of another. Obedient implies acceptance of and submission to authority. One who is biddable follows directions or obeys commands. Compliant and acquiescent suggest a disposition to yield to authority meekly and without protest. Submissive implies an inclination or a willingness to submit without resistance and sometimes with deference to the control of another. One who is docile is receptive to being taught and willing to be led, supervised, or directed by another. Amenable suggests an agreeable responsiveness to authority, advice, or suggestion. Tractable applies to those who can be handled, dealt with, or managed, especially with ease. Submission: The act of submitting to the power of another; the state of having submitted. See synonyms at surrender. The state of being submissive or compliant; meekness. Surrender: The act or an instance of surrendering. The delivery of a prisoner, fugitive from justice, or other principal in a suit into legal custody. The act of surrendering or of being surrendered to bail. Synonyms: surrender, submission, capitulation. These nouns denote the act of giving up one's person, one's possessions, or people under one's command to the authority, power, or control of another. Submission stresses the subordination of the side that has yielded. Capitulation implies surrender under specific prearranged conditions. Slave: One bound in servitude as the property of a person or household. One who is abjectly subservient to a specified person or influence. From these definitions, you can also see that the person who willingly relinquishes control to another within a relationship takes on an equal responsibility. To dedicate one's life to the pleasure, happiness and or service to another requires great strength of will, character, integrity and dedication. Today, we do not simply go out and capture our submissive and make them our property. Forced submission or slavery gives way to deception, betrayal, denial and judicial action. Service offered with consent to some is a gift, to others a need -- in either case, it is a great event for all involved and should be honored and cared for. When submission is given freely and both abide by the guidelines of safe, sane and consentualism (discussed under Dominant above), then, more than just a power exchange occurs -- a liberation occurs. This liberation opens minds, doors, stimulates the senses and so much more. It allows a person to excel in so many different ways and for each individual it is unique. We do not engage in this type of relationship without purpose, desire and a general understanding of its concepts. To do so would be foolish and dangerous. The unsuspecting and ignorant fall prey to those whose ideals are not that of this lifestyle, but one of hostile and or unhealthy manipulative intent. It is one thing to be a part of the D/s BDSM lifestyle because it is who you are and what you honestly enjoy. However, it is entirely another thing to represent it in order to justify, suppress, and/or enable an unhealthy behavioral pattern. The B of BDSM Bondage: The state of one who is bound as a slave or serf. A state of subjection to a force, a power, or an influence. The practice of being physically restrained, as with cords or handcuffs, as a means of attaining sexual gratification. Servitude: A state of subjection to an owner or a master. Lack of personal freedom, as to act as one chooses. (bound to an owner, master or house). Synonyms: servitude, bondage, slavery. These nouns signify a state of subjugation to an owner or a master. Servitude sometimes refers broadly to the lack of freedom to act or live as one chooses, but it often implies the performance of involuntary labor or service for a master. Bondage emphasizes being bound to the service of another with virtually no hope of freedom. To be held in slavery is to be owned bodily by the person or persons one serves and to be treated as his or her property. Thesaurus -- Volition: The exercise of the will: General social volition: Restraint, detention, preventive detention, custody, protective custody, protection arrest, house arrest, restriction on movement, curfew, custodianship, keeping, guarding, keep, care, charge, ward quarantine, internment remand, refusal of bail, lettre de cachet, captivity, duress, durance, durance vile, bondage, slavery, servitude entombment, burial, interment herding, impoundment, immurement, confinement, solitary confinement, incarceration, imprisonment sentence, time, a stretch, lag, lagging penology, penologist. Bondage comes in many shapes and sizes so to speak.. It is more than merely tying someone up with a rope. Bondage in itself can be considered a state of mind as much as a physical action. But for the act of physical play it is generally a form of physical restraint limiting one’s movement. In this manner it brings about a state of helplessness (mentality) in the person bound. To be placed in this state requires a great trust in the person binding you. For it leaves you no manner of escape -- physical or mental, it is absolute. My own opinion is that if the person bound can unbind themselves or easily free themselves without my assistance they are not in bondage and cannot fully achieve that state of helplessness. However, I am sure there are those who would disagree and wave their non-locking wrist cuffs at me in the process. But again.. to each their own. The D of BDSM Discipline: Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement. Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control. Control obtained by enforcing compliance or order. A systematic method to obtain obedience: a military discipline. A state of order based on submission to rules and authority: a teacher who demanded discipline in the classroom. Punishment intended to correct or train. A set of rules or methods, as those regulating the practice of a church or monastic order. A branch of knowledge or teaching. Verb, Transitive; dis·ci·plined, dis·ci·plin·ing, dis·ci·plines To train by instruction and practice, especially to teach self-control to. To teach to obey rules or accept authority. See synonyms at teach. To punish in order to gain control or enforce obedience. See synonyms at punish. To impose order on. Synonyms: punish, correct, chastise, discipline, castigate, penalize. These verbs mean to subject a person to a penalty, such as loss, pain, or confinement, for an offense, a sin, or a fault. To correct is to punish so that the offender will mend his or her ways. Chastise implies punishment, such as corporal punishment or a verbal rebuke, as a means of effecting improvement in behavior. Discipline stresses punishment inflicted by an authority in order to control an offender or to eliminate or reform unacceptable conduct. Castigate means to censure or criticize severely, often in public. Penalize usually implies a monetary penalty or the forfeiture of a privilege or gain because rules or regulations have been broken. In its function, the power to punish is not essentially different from that of curing or educating. Michel Foucault (1926–84)
Discipline, where the lifestyle is concerned, is either a method of training {disciplining the slave to orgasm on command, or learn patience (a much
needed quality)} or an act of correction (punishment) for a submissive or slave’s The S in BDSM Sadism, Sadistic, Sadist; Psychology. The act or an instance of deriving sexual gratification from infliction of pain on others. Delight in cruelty. Extreme cruelty. This is the S in BDSM. Wherein as far as the Lifestyle is concerned, The Sadist is the Dominant individual within the relationship in most cases. Exception to the rule is where the relationship is bound by individuals who are known as a SWITCH. This term refers to people who engage in interchanging roles or role reversal within the D/s relationship from Top to Bottom and Bottom to Top. i.e.(Dominant to submissive and in reverse). In these cases the individuals are more referred to as Sadomasochist, which defines as an individual who enjoys both sadism and masochism.
Sadism, the infliction of pain to attain sexual pleasure, is named for him. Sadism is all right in its place, but it should be directed to proper ends. Sigmund Freud (1856–1939) Sadism, the act of inflicting pain or discomfort on another for personal gratification. To many people it is considered sick and twisted to desire this; however, these same people do not fully understand what it is. I have often wondered about history and what went through the minds of the Romans, plantation masters, and so on.. when they whipped a slave -- Did they enjoy it? performing the act ... Did they enjoy having the captive bound in the manner that they were? and my response is "yes" for most of them.. they had to have enjoyed it.. This was not discipline to many Masters, but a means to express their sadistic natures, I would think. Nor does it apply to how we have evolved and have separated Discipline and Sadism today. In history, in most cases, there was not a shared fondness between the Master and slave so the emotional negatives were not connected. My opinion is that if they didn’t they would have found another means of correction. Our sadism stems from a history sometimes forgotten and other times longed for...We are sadistic in nature, as a child did you ever pluck the wings from a butterfly, June bug or other creature for pleasure?.. have you ever pinched a friend just to hear them say "ouch" and find it humorous and fun in the process, not caring that you just hurt them but then maybe rubbed it and said you were sorry while in the back of your mind you relished the moment of hearing them say ouch?.. These small things we do, even as a child, can be considered sadistic.. and it stems from our very being and our history.. As an adult have you ever done something to get someone else in trouble and sat back and watched them suffer for it? Think about it.. you may find that your sadistic natures go further back than you think. The M in BDSM Masochism, Masochistic, Masochist: The act or an instance of deriving sexual gratification from being physically or emotionally abused. The act or an instance of deriving pleasure from being offended, dominated, or mistreated. The tendency to seek such mistreatment. The turning of destructive tendencies upon oneself. Origin: Die Messalinen Wiens by German novelist Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, 38, from whose name the word “masochism” will be derived. Masochist: a person who enjoys having pain or discomfort inflicted upon them. Again, many people see this as sick and twisted without truly understanding it, yet it too stems from our history as well. The masochist desires pain or discomfort, in most cases, because it allows a synthetic drug called endorphins to be released into their system. {en·dor·phin (èn-dôr¹fîn) Any of a group of peptide hormones that bind to opiate receptors and are found mainly in the brain. Endorphins reduce the sensation of pain and affect emotions.} This drug is produced by the body as a response to pain or discomfort being placed upon it as a self-defense mechanism. Endorphins produce a europhoric like affect similar to that caused by opium. When this occurs the person has entered what is generally known as sub-space. Sub-space is a lot like a runner's high.. When a jogger pushes him or herself to the limits of the jog their bodies release this same agent into their system and creates a similar affect. This has a lot to do with why many runners run. That feeling they get when they finish. We must also remember that what may be painful to one person may not be to another...each person is so very different. And the levels of pain can change from moment to moment as quickly as our minds can change. Pain and discomfort can be brought about in many ways. For some it is being flogged, for others prolonged bondage -- and the list can continue for ten pages or more.. The idea is to better understand yourself and what it is you want and need. That should be your starting point. It was not until 20 years or so ago that we actually gave this lifestyle a name.. In those times we were considered mentally ill for wanting to be a part of such a “morbid” interaction and were treated by psychiatrists... These same Doctors who went home and ruled their home as king.. The wife rushing to meet them at the door.. prepare the meals and so on and so on.. But the fact remains that this lifestyle has been a part of us since time began. From caveman days, to Roman empires, to the great mysticism’s and customs of the orients .. Masters, Mistresses and slaves have been a part of our history. The difference today is that it has evolved into a more civilized relationship based on safe, sane and consensual behaviors by those involved. D/s & BDSM are separate entities, yet remain interconnected throughout most relationships. D/s functions on many levels and each level is unique to its participants. But then again this too can be broken down into three categories... Lifestyler.. Player.... Wannabe.. The Lifestyler is a person who sees the whole picture and not just part. Their eyes are wide open and they know what all is entailed. They are the individuals who incorporate their needs and desires of D/s within all that they do. For them it is not a light switch which can be cut on and off at a whim.. it is a part of them... they know who they are.. they understand the role that life has placed upon them and they embrace it. Most lifestylers follow a set of guidelines and protocols and maintain a well structured environment.. They tend to be well organized and upstanding citizens within their community. Now I ask you... Does a gay person stop being gay after they have had sex with their partner and then head out the door to whatever job or thing they have to do? No, they are just as gay as when they stepped in through the door.. except for a few who, out of fear, tend to hide their traits.. They are very proud of who they are and strive to be all they can be.. accepting whatever cards life deals them. Is a recluse only a recluse on the weekends? Most cases not... it is their nature to prefer solitude... in all that they do... it does not just happen once in a while.. These are Lifestyles... They are not anything less than being the whole part of a person's life.. The player is a person who enjoys the fantasy of D/s from time to time and does not incorporate it into all that they do.. Whether it be sexual or BDSM or both.. They often confuse themselves with Lifestylers because they either feel the need to impress Lifestylers or they simply do not understand the whole concept. The player, often known as the "weekend warrior," is the person who on Saturday night shows up at the local fetish bar, enjoys a good scene and hanging out with others, and then come Monday forgets all about it and goes back to whatever normal routine they are accustom to. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being a player if that is what you are.. we all are entitled to what makes us happy.. Some people simply enjoy being dominated sexually or a good spanking and the like and once it's over with they go on about their business as usual.. and that is okay... The wannabe is generally dangerous to many.. This is a person who is either a novice trying to learn, a person who only sees D/s as a means by which to pick up sexual partners, or a stomping ground to release their own hostilities. If the wannabe is a novice.. the danger is in the lack of knowledge and understanding of the concept. The average novice tends to bite off more than they can chew, and depending upon the person, they can place themselves or another person in situations they are not yet ready to experience, thereby leaving a bad taste in the mouths of all who participate. Time is important for the novice.. for it is in time that wisdom will come for most.. if they are patient. The wannabe who sees D/s as a sexual or hostile hunting ground is much more dangerous than the novice and the mere words "hunting grounds should be your clue. Most wannabes leave an emotional scar on those they find and many cause serious physical damage to the unsuspecting. Most wannabes prey on novices because they are easy and eager targets.. that is why I have them categorized together. Please know that many novices turn into fine upstanding Lifestylers and Players over time... weeding them out is the difficult task. Conclusion Now with all that said.. what is D/s and BDSM, you ask?.. Well D/s is simply the beautiful exchange of power between two (or more) people.. Where one person assumes control over one who yields that control to them. Each giving of themselves to the other and each receiving that which fulfills their needs within a relationship. And, BDSM is simply the tools and toys of the trade, the areas most commonly explored by those who are a part of the lifestyle. |