"When you do something, you should burn yourself completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of yourself."

How the perspective developed, beginning as a whisper from the back rooms of our minds, for some of us, the call to slavery rises into a passionate scream demanding attention and action. How fast this call becomes amplified into something we can't ignore is determined by many variables, including the quality of our early slave experiences, the quality of people we encounter in the SM and Master/slave scene and our social skills with them, how willing we are to do some reading about it, and what values we were socialized with. Unless we decide to turn off the reasoning parts of our minds with drugs or other mechanisms of denial, we will have to somehow reckon with our appetite for slavery. We'll have to think about it some and try to determine its place in our lives. Some who hear the call of slavery will surrender to it immediately because nothing else makes any sense. 

Many others must engage in some deep mental probing before actual experiences at slaving are pursued. I tried to do the thinking and feeling as I went along. Following each experience, I spent time with myself and with my feelings deciding what worked and what did not. Was I relieved when the scene was over, or did I pray it would never end? How did-I decide if I wanted to repeat with the man or not? Did I feel physically and emotionally safe enough, or did I feel too safe? How much of the insecurity he fostered was sexy and how much wasn't? How well did he "read" me? How "readable" was I? Did I ask too many questions up front? Did he? Sometimes I recorded my thoughts on tape and sometimes I made notes of my impressions. I sensed that it might be dangerous in ways I couldn't even imagine if I were to allow myself to ignore my thoughts and feelings about the slaving experiences I was having and the appetite itself. I forced myself to pay attention to my thoughts and feelings. In short, I was afraid not to listen to myself and try to understand what I was feeling, and where those feelings might eventually lead me. In the early years, it was my fear that drove my need to understand. I did not want to be destroyed. In fact, I longed to be created. At first, I fell prey to the myth of slave training and wasted much time being distracted by it.

The myth preached that I had to find a Master by whose hand I would be created or transformed into a slave. In the preceding essay, I explained as best I could how it was that I realized that, with few exceptions, Masters know very little about the creation of slaves. Once it became clear that I could not expect to be transformed into a slave by some Master, my quest for the bliss of surrender felt frustrated, and I fell into hopelessness for a time before I began to reconsider the problem. I knew there was real joy in slavery if only I could find it-I had to trust that the deep craving for it within me would not lead me down a blind alley to an empty joke. I do not believe the universe is, in itself, cruel. Perspective determines perception. Look straight down at a glass with some water in it, and you will quickly discover that there is much less information about the glass and the water than when they are viewed from the side. Viewed from the vantage points offered by fictional stories, slavery, like the glass viewed from above, is merely a trivial, two-dimensional erotic behavior not deserving of serious attention. My guess is that most people who have fun slaving don't feel the need to see any room to it than that. But some of us become convinced by the depth of our feelings and experiences that there is more, much more waiting there for us. We turn our minds loose on the idea of slavery in the hope we can see and understand more. And we look again. Or, better said, to see more, we try to look at it differently.

When I finally became willing to look at slaving differently, something flew into my mind that I remembered from a lecture I had attended during my college years. The lecture was given by a famous yogi from India. Back then, I knew nothing about non-Christian religions, but I tagged along with some friends who were also curious, Somewhere during the lecture, the yogi said something like, "The brilliant gem is already in your hand." Of course, I looked down at my hand and saw nothing there. (Remember the glass of water?) But I remembered this utterance years later as I was struggling with slave issues. When I turned my mind's eye inward and tried to listen with a quiet mind, I slowly began to encounter a deeper self within who seemed very surrendered. I could feel, only dimly at first the personality of something much bigger, much more important within myself I discovered there was already a slave waiting inside myself for me to meet. The emotional pain and longing I had felt earlier were "his" pain, the pain of not yet having been noticed by me. Once I turned my mind's eye inward rather than looking for that Master to make me into a slave, the pain and longing stopped, and I found myself face to face with my internal slave self. For the first time, relief washed over me like warm waves of iridescent green light. I suppose that adherents of Native American spirit traditions might suggest that I had encountered my "spirit guide." Traditional psychiatrists would wonder about a personality fragment left over from childhood trauma. Australian aborigines would nod knowingly about a visitant from a clan ancestor. Jungian analysts most likely would identify this as an encounter with a part of my "shadow." Leather Christians (yes, that's right) could label him as my leather guardian angel. New-Age kinky spiritual guys might say he is the spirit of one of my many fallen leather brothers. 

The fact is, I didn't care whether any or all of these interpretations were right or wrong. What mattered to me was that had recognized my slave self' at last. I knew instinctively that he had the information I had needed for a very long time. And I knew that he wanted me to have it. And like all fine slaves, when I asked him questions, he gave me answers. Sometimes it took me a while to understand the answers, so I had to learn to listen him very carefully through the nearly ever present "static" interference from life which clutters all our minds. He is unwilling, perhaps even unable, to shout about what he knows, he has taught me that slaves do not shout unless ordered to do so by their Masters. So I have had to learn to turn off the "static" of life to pay close attention to him. Readers will notice that I have been referring to a part of myself in the third person as though I really experienced "him" "So as somehow distinct through myself. I have done this in an effort to describe the process of discovery more clearly. Simply, I reached inside myself and peeled away the outside layers of the socialized me like one might peel an onion, As the layers fell away, my slave self became more and more revealed, I went inside myself and became what I already was but hadn't yet realized, In short, I got honest. When I did so, I realized that all efforts to understand my feelings in my earlier years had been little more than my mind's clever way of avoiding or delaying the encounter with my inner self which had been waiting there all along.

While I had been poring through my internal library trying to do research on my feelings, my slave self had been sitting-waiting under a tree with all, or most of', the answers I needed, All I had to do was learn to spend honest time with myself without for, and low myself to be guided by what I learned, some of the learning was easy and some was not; but I will come to that later. a significant percentage of us who begin our explorations of slaving discover before long that slaving is somewhere at the core of our identity-that it is self-defining. For us, it becomes our overriding passion in life to the extent that nothing else matters quite as much to us. By the time I was 19, I knew that my destiny would one day lead me to become the treasured property of some worthy man who would use me for his own pleasure. Once I became clear about all that, I took it upon myself to become the most interesting and skilled person I could imagine. I reasoned that a worthy owner would only be interested in an unusual man with a wide range of abilities. I learned all I could about the geisha of feudal Japan because they were renowned as givers of pleasure. I studied the role of slaves in ancient Rome to see what that could teach me. These and many other investigations all inform my view of slavery today. What It Is, What It Is Not. So now it is time to reveal what I have come to see about slavery. Slavery is an cement I make, first, with myself. I decide that decisions about my behavior will be placed under the control of someone else. I make this decision because I have learned that, when that other person has control of my behavior, my mind experiences a transformation during which it is open to being flooded with an ecstatic bliss that I can't get any other way. 

From that point of view, slavery is something I do for myself It is my way of being selfish, because I like feeling joyous and blissful. I think we were all born to feel bliss, and slavery is simply the way I do that, Slavery is a paradox. I get what I seek by giving: I give my obedience to another. I like to say that slaving is a choice, but at this point in my life it has become clear that there isn't really much of a choice for me at all. To breathe, I must inhale; to feel my favorite bliss, I must slave, I understood when a friend once mentioned that Buddha is reported to have said, "To have it all, you must first give it all up." Slaves who work to perfect their submission understand this idea. Buddhism is a way to "have it all" that entails submission to a set of principles. Slavery is a way to "have it all" that entails submission to at least one individual-and the submission itself is guided by a set of principles. Those principles teach slaves exactly how to "give it all up" and thus, "have it all." This same notion is partially suggested by the proverb that tells us, "It is better to give than to receive." My view is that it is best to give and thereby receive. This, then, is my best summation of what slavery and slaving is all about. If it doesn't take me where I want to go, then what the hell is the point? 'As for the principles themselves, I believe that when submission is guided by a set of principles, a blissful experience is much more likely to result than when submission is left unguided. 

The principles that I have learned will be the subjects of forthcoming essays. For now, it is enough to say that I know my submission works- delivers the goods-better when it is informed by guidelines than when not. So, slavery is a paradoxical way to generate happiness by surrendering control over one's behaviors to another. The act of surrendering is accomplished by following certain principles and using" the tools of submission implied by those principles. Understanding the principles and using the tools is the real work of slavery. Once a slave can do these things, cleaning the toilets is a piece of cake. At this point, it will be useful to distinguish a slave from a bottom. The chief difference between them is the orientation from which each pursues his own satisfaction on. Bottoms have appetites that are their own, whereas slaves' needs become the same as those of the Master. A bottom will sometimes function like a slave when the Master's appetites and the bottom's appetites happen to match up smoothly. For example, a Master might like to have his boots licked, and a bottom might like to lick boots, and so, the boots get licked. But the slave needn't have any desire to lick boots; instead, he wants to service the Master's desire to have his boots licked, and, again, the boots get licked. The licking of both bottom and slave may look the same, but the bootlickers are coming from very different orientations. Staying with this same example, the bottom may lose interest in licking the boots and initiate some other activity or simply stop when he has had his fill. The slave will lick boots until he receives some other instruction, or until he becomes exhausted and can no longer physically lick. All three are selfish only in the sense that each one does what will bring himself pleasure: The Master or Top gets his boots licked; the bottom gets to enjoy his interest in licking; and the slave gets the pleasure of pleasing the Master. If the slave also happens to love bootlicking, then that is a bonus for the slave, but it is not his main source of pleasure. This bootlicking example was chosen because it is such a commonly shared interest and does illustrate the distinction, although subtly. Bottoms and slaves are much more dramatically distinguished from each other when we imagine how each one might respond to orders such as, "Pick up my dry-cleaning this afternoon," or, "Pick up the dog shit in the back yard-use your hands," or, "Go outside and stand on one foot, wait for the mail delivery, and fetch the mail in to me," or even, "We are going to look at an exhibition of toy dolls next week at the museum. Read up on dolls before then so that you can explain them to me as we look at the exhibit together." Immediately the differences become crystal clear. To the vast majority of bottoms, such orders would be laughable, but for a slave, each of these represents an opportunity to give pleasure and find joy in surrendering to his Master's will. Monks in many religious orders would associate this idea with their performance of menial tasks, an offering of their labor as an act of love, devotion, and the perfection of humility.

From another point of view, I believe that there are two general types of slavery. The first is a conditional slavery in which the slave surrenders himself to a Master provided the Master agrees to honor certain conditions which may be negotiated either prior to or during the encounter. Examples of some of the conditions could include: Only in private. Only if you wear "X." Only if we don't talk about it. Only with me as your partner. Only without (or with) drugs. Only if you won't take photos. Only if you won't leave the room. Only if you won't tell anyone ever. Only If I can have a "bail out" option. Only if you promise to do "X" to me. Only if you promise not to do "Y" to me. Only if you promise you won't let me cum. Only if you promise not to talk during the scene. Only for tonight (this weekend, this week or whatever time). Only until I cum (or, we both cum or have the opportunity to cum). Only if you don 't disclose information to me about other experiences you '. had. Although this is a very incomplete list, it does provide an idea of the range of possible conditions a person wanting to slave might need to impose on a candidate Master as a prerequisite for an encounter. Any such conditions can, of course, be modified during the scene itself depending on how it unfolds. Among those with some experience, at least some of these conditions (and others) are assumed to be in force going into a scene unless there is some specific and clear negotiation to the contrary. 

I think it is fairly safe to say that most slaving experiences that people have are of the conditional sort, whether the conditions are specifically negotiated or not. But different slaves have different feelings about conditions such as these. Some slaves will be comforted by the Master's acceptance of these conditions and be able to give themselves to the experience of slaving more completely and more easily. This should not be surprising because the slave's need for conditions is all about the fears that live the slave's mind, and the agreements with the Master make those fears go away or, at least, not matter much during the scene. In general, the slave worries that he won't have a good time without some conditions in place which will help to manage his fears. Some guys who want to slave will accept that these fears are real for them and are connected to real issues they have and, therefore, they have no problem with their need for conditions. Other slaves will look upon their own need for conditions with contempt and feel apologetic about the need for them. They might conclude that their need for conditions is evidence that their fascination with slaving is shallow and selfish or perhaps underdeveloped. For many of these slaves, the need for conditions feels directly proportional to the imperfection of their slave selves. Put differently, they feel that the more perfect a slave is, the fewer conditions must be imposed upon a Master in order to serve well. In its simplest terms, they believe that perfected slaves have no conditions-no limits. Although I am not sure, I suspect that a great many fantasies about slaving involve slaves with "no limits," and thus, wannabe-slaves get the idea that having no conditions is somehow better than having to impose conditions. 

From the fantasy point of view wannabe-slaves also divide neatly into groups: those who decide that their real experiences can't or shouldn't match their fantasy desires, and those who decide to make their real experiences come as close as possible to their fantasy desires, The first group tends to have no problem or fewer problems with their need for conditions, while the second group often tends to see their need for conditions as a barometer their closeness to or distance from the idealized fantasy of themselves. Given that we all come out of more or less the same culture with more or less the same values about things including submission-it seems likely to me that most of us who are drawn to slaving for whatever reason begin, and sometimes end, our journeys into slave hood as conditional slaves. As we go along, we learn why  conditions are really (always) necessary and which ones are only sometimes necessary. 

Conditions may come and go depending on many things: our experiences, whether we repeat with a Master or not, how trustworthy we judge a Master to be, our job situation, whether we have significant relationships with others and a host of other variables. At this point, it is important to stop a I note that, whether one accepts his needs impose conditions or is at war inside himself with these needs, for those who desire it, slaving can lead to great and magical experiences. For myself, some of the most memorable experiences in my slaving life have been with Masters who had no difficulty with the conditions I imposed on our time together. Those Masters understood that I was afraid of exposure afraid of losing my job, afraid of heir compared with other slaves, afraid of being injured by accident, afraid of being ordered to do things I didn't think I could do (didn't know how to do), afraid of facing permanently marked in some way-afraid of many things-afraid of myself and afraid of the Masters and their appetites. And they wanted me anyway, fears and all. We had great time together, and I learned a lot. For better or for worse, many of us who are slave-identified are guided by a beacon somewhere in our consciousness, and that beacon is the ideal of a slave with no limits whatsoever-no conditions. The more experience we have with Masters upon whom we have imposed conditions, the less we like the conditions and the less we respect ourselves for needing them.  We may spend time, sometimes lots of time, with Masters who have no trouble with our conditions. But sooner or later, some of us grow to hate our conditions and the fears inside ourselves that demand them. We come to believe that a deeper slavery will deliver a deeper joy, and we equate that deeper slavery with needing fewer conditions. Those of us who are wired this way discover that, as we learn to eliminate our fears and the conditions that result from them, the bliss of surrender just grows and grows. We begin to search for a Master with whom we can let go of our need for conditions. The Great Deep and the Roaring Void When such a slave is fortunate enough to get connected to a Master who enjoys or wants to enjoy having a slave who aspires to a condition-free relationship, and they spend more and more time together, some amazing things begin to happen. As slaving conditions begin to fall away and the slave's surrender deepens, his feeling of being connected to the Master expands. 

Once it has expanded sufficiently, the slave falls in love with the Master. We can not do otherwise. It just happens. At this point, the Master becomes our lifeline and our dependence on him becomes manifest. By then, we have placed our lives in his hands many times and we get to a place in our heads where we long to deny him nothing-nothing at all. My own experience of this feeling is that my Master is like the captain of a ship sailing over the deepest part of the ocean, and I am his crewman. When we are together, and he wants to enjoy me, it is as though he orders me over the side and down into the water. I breathe from a long tube or hose through which he pumps air and warmth to me. If., at any moment, I feel that he is withdrawing from me emotionally for any reason, I begin to drift upward, toward the "surface" I "come shallow" as those in the submarine service call it. The more he demands from me, the deeper down into the sea of surrender I drift. If he should push the limits of my current capabilities, my descent stops at that point, and I am suspended at that depth. If he continues to push the limits, I take that as a sign that he wants me to go deeper and I use my internal slave tools to dissolve the limits and continue my descent. If he continues, before long, I shall find myself slowly settling to the very bottom of the sea of surrender, a piece I have come to call "the great deep." At such a point, my breathing often becomes slowed; my heart-rate tends to drop; usually, I can not see with my eyes, even though they may be open; and I lose contact with my body-utterly. As long as he continues with whatever he is doing at that point and does not reduce the intensity of whatever scene is happening and does not speak to me, I will remain in the inert state I have described. My internal experience is one of a deep, resonant joy radiating through me so vibrantly that all words-all thoughts-are swept away, and lam at one with everything. From that place, I can use abilities that I won't describe, because your credibility will snap if I try. 

Those who have been there will understand, and those who haven't simply can not. All of this, then, is what I have come to understand about slavery. There are some other things, but they are unusual exceptions or amplifications of things I have already said. I apologize for the length of this essay.